Lies We Tell Ourselves
by boldlikeblack
Summary: The evolution of Dave Karofsky from Shomance to Never Been Kissed.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. If I did, Sue Sylvester would have an assistant coach by the name of Mary Cherry.**

**A/N: Here's a weird little oneshot for you. I tried to get inside Dave's head, but it's a strange place. This is not tied to 'Inconceivable' in any way. Also, I love getting story favourite notifications, but I love reviews more.**

**BBB**

It starts with 'Push It' and then spirals down from there.

At least, that's what Dave tells himself. After the way Hummel crawls across the stage like a porn star, Dave can't possibly be blamed for the pictures in his head or the dreams that he has, right?

Dave also tells himself that he would have be fine and normal and totally okay if Hummel hadn't joined the football team and a pipe hadn't burst in the hockey team's shower, leading to Dave catching a eyeful of Hummel's pale naked back after hockey practice one day. It's completely Hummel's fault that Dave gets so turned on that he can barely stand and has to slink off to the showers like some kind of pervert.

Dave tries to get past it, he really does. He takes what any Cheerio offers, he slushees the Gleeks with a vengeance and Dave even takes extra care to shove Hummel around more so that Hummel will stop whatever the hell he's trying to do to him. He doesn't want this, he doesn't, and every time he wakes up from a daydream about Hummel's annoying smile he promises that it will be the last time. It has to be the last time, because Dave is a good boy. He's as American as apple pie. He wears his letter jacket with pride and he likes football and Nascar and shop class and hair metal. He does not like boys and he certainly does not like Kurt fucking Hummel.

But Dave can't seem to stop looking too long and thinking too much and feeling too many things. He tries he really does, but it's so hard when Hummel is just out there in his stupid tight pants and ridiculous hats and scarves. It's like he _wants_ Dave to look, except worse because it makes Dave _want_ to touch. But he can't because it's sick and it's wrong and Dave is pretty sure it would put him on the wrong end of his dad's shotgun if he even did it by accident.

When Hummel comes to school in a trucker hat and overalls and starts dating Brittany from the Cheerios, something inside Dave snaps. He wants to rip the hat off of Hummel's head and kick it across the hallway because it's just wrong for him to act like this. Hummel isn't like Dave. He's not some useless, good for nothing, fat ass that will get stuck in Lima working at a dead end job because he'll never good enough for anything else. Hummel's not a coward. He's honest, smart, talented and so much better than Lima, Ohio.

Everything hits rock bottom when Dave's making out with Brittany and he realizes that she doesn't taste like the strawberry lip gloss she usually wears when she lets him make out with her. She tastes like honey and mint and Dave kisses her harder, because it tastes so good. It dawns on him, as he's inching his fingers up under her black shirt, that she'd said she was just stopping by on her way home. He puts the pieces together and realizes that the taste he's tasting is the last person she kissed. He's tasting Kurt and he can't stop kissing Brittany regardless of that fact, or maybe because of it.

After she leaves, Dave breaks down and cries for the first time since he was six years old. He realizes that this thing with Hummel...with Kurt...isn't going to go away just because he wants it to or because he wishes it would.

He's so incredibly angry with Kurt for all of it that he's actually afraid of what he might do to the smaller boy when Kurt shows up in a sparkly dress and platform shoes. If Azimio hadn't been there when Kurt had stood up to them in the hall before being rescued by Finn, Dave's not sure if he would have killed the kid or kissed him or cried like a little girl until Kurt had no choice but to wrap his arms around him and tell him that everything would be fine, that he wasn't sick and it wasn't wrong, that it was okay for him to want things he wasn't supposed to and feel things he didn't want to. He supposes it doesn't really matter in the long run, because Azimio was there and Finn swooped in to rescue Kurt like some big gay superhero in red plastic.

The summer is easier. Dave doesn't have to think about anything. He goes to hockey camp. He goes fishing with his dad and his cousins. He spends August helping on his nan's farm in Nebraska. He even takes one of the farmhands' daughters to the town fair and he holds her hand when they ride the Ferris wheel and he thinks that maybe, just maybe everything will be fine, that maybe he's over it. It's not true, of course, because when his date kisses him at the top of the Ferris wheel, all he can think of is how she doesn't taste like honey or mint and that her skin is too tan and her hair is too dark and that she just isn't Kurt.

When school starts up again and Kurt is in Dave's French class, Dave is pretty sure this will be the worst year of his life. He knows that his solution to the Kurt problem is wrong, that pushing Kurt into walls and lockers and calling him names and saying terrible things to him is wrong, but he doesn't know what else to do. Dave hopes that Kurt understands that every time he shoves him, he's begging Kurt to stop making him feel tangled in knots. He hopes that Kurt can't hear the longing in his voice when he calls him 'homo' and 'fairy' and 'fag'. Dave knows everything he does is wrong and twisted and sick but he can't help but think that maybe, if he pushes Kurt just hard enough, Kurt will go away and leave him alone.

But hey, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Dave does manage to push Kurt to the breaking point, but Kurt doesn't snap the way he expects. Instead of crumpling, Kurt actually has the balls to call Dave out on his shit behaviour. He even gives Dave a taste of his own medicine, calling him ham hock, calling him chubby and sweating and basically suggesting that Dave is disgusting. He begs Kurt to stop in the only way he knows how, but Kurt stands there, eyes blazing, and straight up tells Dave that hitting him won't change a damn thing.

It's the most beautiful and terrifying thing that Dave has ever seen. His body reacts before his brain does and he's got Kurt's face in his hands and Kurt's lips under his before he even realizes what's going on. It's all honey and mint and slippery and sweet and right and it's so much better than Brittany's secondhand kisses.

Then Dave has to breathe and he realizes what he's done. It doesn't stop him from going back for more, but Kurt does. Kurt's beautiful face is a mask of hurt and disgust and Dave wonders how he ever could have been so stupid. After everything he's done to this poor kid, how could he ever expect that Kurt would kiss him of his own free will? The pain in his hands from slamming them against the locker door is like a raindrop in the sea compared to what Dave feels because of what he's done to Kurt.

When Dave sees Kurt with the private school pretty boy, he loses his temper. It's jealousy that makes him shove Kurt's handsome friend, as much as he'd like to play it off as anger over the fact that Kurt told someone what he did. He's actually surprised that Kurt hasn't told the entire school what happened between them in the locker room just to get back at Dave for how shitty he's been.

Dave's not as stupid as everyone thinks he is. He can tell that Kurt's friend isn't stupid either and that whoever he is, he knows that when Dave tells him not to mess with him, what Dave really means is hurt Kurt and you'll be very sorry. Not that Dave has the right to say anything like that. He's hurt Kurt more than anyone. He does it anyway and then he runs like the coward he is because he can't face that look in Kurt's eyes anymore.

The next day, when Kurt is standing at his locker looking like a deranged Peep in his yellow sweater, Dave realizes that the smile on Kurt's face is never going to be for him. He's never going to be that guy. He's too scared. He's too mean. He's too fat. He's too stupid and he will never be good enough for Kurt Hummel. Dave will never be good enough for anyone, because Dave is no good at being honest.

Dave can blame Kurt all he wants for what he feels, but it's not Kurt's fault, not really. Kurt never wanted Dave to want him; that much is obvious now. He never went out of his way to try to turn Dave...gay. It's just Dave. It's just how he is. Try as he might, Dave realizes that it's something he will never be able to change.

But Dave's good at pretending. He will pretend he doesn't know what he is. He will lie to his friends. He will lie to his family. And he will lie to Kurt. He'll keep shoving and slapping and insulting. He'll keep showing Kurt how much he hates him for making Dave feel. He'll lie so well and so long that Kurt will never be able to ferret out the truth.

Because the truth of the matter is that Dave has fallen in love with Kurt. It's a truth that cuts at him and gnaws at him and makes his heart ache in his chest. It's also a truth that wouldn't make a lick of difference to Kurt if Dave said it with words or kisses or hugs or loving touches because Dave has done too much damage to ever make it right.

Dave shoves Kurt into his locker hard enough to convince Kurt that nothing has changed and tells himself that it doesn't matter, not even a little, not even at all.


End file.
